


Incident Report

by Moonclaimed



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dai-nana-han | Team 7 (Naruto) Feels, Gen, Humor, Konoha rebellion, Naruto-sensei, Post-Series, Pre-Epilogue, Teacher Naruto, Tsunade's sick of your shit, i can't tag help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-11 05:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3315857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonclaimed/pseuds/Moonclaimed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whoever decided it was a good idea to leave Naruto alone with three twelve year olds for a YEAR should be stabbed. Repeatedly. (Reposted from ff.net)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Incident 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everybody! I'm reposting this from my account of ff.net (and boy did I underestimate how troublesome it would be). I'm planning to repost a chapter every few days until I have the same chapters on each site.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

Incident Report  
By MoonClaimed

It all started because Naruto had penpals.

But for convenience' sake, let's start a little earlier.

Naruto was the last living apprentice of Jiraiya of the Sannin, Konoha's most important spy master, and was therefore tacitly expected to take over for his mentor. But after the war, when Tsunade finally got around to asking what had become of the old pervert's spy network, Naruto's answer had been a blank stare.

At further—and rather panicked—prompting, Naruto revealed that Jiraiya had not passed the network on to him. During their travels, while Jiraiya was off meeting with his contacts, he had left Naruto to wander the streets on his own. With some embarrassment, Naruto admitted he didn't know who any of Jiraiya's contacts were, and didn't have a single one of his own.

No. Naruto had penpals, village intelligence was horrified to learn. All he had were some friends he had made in his travels who he tried to keep in contact with. People he had helped on his journey, people who had helped him. Hundreds of them in fact. Across the globe and in all walks of life: from a fisherman in a little, out of the way peasant village in Tea Country to merchants in Stone; scullery maids in noble houses to daimyos' daughters.

It took a shamefully long time—almost three months—for anyone to realize what this meant.

When it finally occurred to Shikamaru that what any normal, well-functioning, sane shinobi would call a 'contact', Naruto might very well call a 'penpal', he stopped where he was, turned on his heel, marched to the nearest wall, and began his earnest attempt to bash his head against it until he lost consciousness.

The only reason he failed was because two chunin and a very confused clerical-nin were eventually able to pry him away.

Once it was understood that Konoha's spy networks were as widespread as ever, though going by a decidedly friendlier name, the mass panic that had existed throughout the upper ranks began to calm.  
But not completely.

After all, Naruto hadn't been in personal contacted with many of these so called 'penpals' for years. He hadn't made physical contact, hadn't done anything to maintain their loyalty long-term. So it was decided that he would go on another trip—as Jiraiya often had in the past—to check in.  
There was only one, small problem with this.

Naruto, newly promoted and village hero that he was, had just taken on his first genin team the previous week.

But then again, long-term training trips had never hurt anything... right?

************

"When is that boy going to report in?" Homura Mitokado demanded impatiently. "His team was spotted approaching the gates almost an hour ago."

"Now, now, Mitokado-san, I'm sure he's just escorting his genin to their homes before coming," Kakashi soothed, glancing up from his book. "After all, the gate guards would have told him to report directly to the Hokage's office."

Tsunade grunted in affirmation. She was as excited as the next person that the brat was back—especially because retirement was starting to look better and better and Naruto kind of had to be in Konoha for her to do that—but Koharu and Homura were going to be hanging around until this was over and they refused to let her drink in her office. The sooner this report was over, the sooner she could get properly sloshed in celebration.

There was a sudden scuffling from out in the hall. The four shinobi in the office turned to face the door just as Iruka pushed through the entrance, red-faced with exertion and smiling gleefully. "Hokage-sama! I just heard, Naruto was seen entering the village! I can't believe he's finally back after a whole year. And his genin are..." He trailed off as he finally realized that not only were Tsunade and Kakashi in the office—both people he knew would be as excited as him to see the blond again—but so were the two elderly village councilors. His smile slowly faded, replaced with a vivid blush. "...N-nevermind, I'll just come back later," he said as he edged backwards out of the room.

"Get in here, Iruka," Tsunade sighed, leaning back in her chair. "Naruto's about to come in, and we all know you're going to hear everything he tells us over ramen if you don't now."

Iruka stammered a little, flustered, but quickly subsided and took a place by Kakashi's side. He did want to see Naruto after all.

"I can't believe it's been a year already," Tsunade sighed as she leaned back in her chair. "I want to see what the brat has done with those genin of his."

"I'm sure he's done a fine job," Iruka cut in before he could stop himself. He knew it wasn't exactly his place—especially with the more traditional councilors in attendance—but he had full faith in the young blond.

"Aa," Kakashi agreed. "Naruto is sure to have taught the children well and to have had a successful trip." He eye-smiled. "After all, there have been no reports of mass destruction or war being declared on Konoha."

"Kakashi-sensei's mean!" Came the protest from the window.

As one, the shinobi turned.

"Hey," Naruto waved with a wide grin. There was a wave of reflexive smiles in return. Even Homura and Koharu were glad to have the vibrant young man home. And the year seemed to have treated him well. Naruto had grown nearly two inches, his bangs hung long into his laughing eyes, and his skin was tanned and rosy as ever.

"Welcome home, brat," Tsunade said with a fond smile. "Glad to see you haven't blown anything up."  
Naruto laughed and scratched the back of his head, "Ha ha, about that..."

Tsunade's smile froze.

Kakashi lifted his hands in a calming gesture. "Maa, maa, I'm sure it wasn't that bad."

"Yeah!" Naruto jumped to agree. "Nothing actually blew up. Well, nothing important," he amended. The other's let out sighs of relief. These things were expected to happen during even lightest of shinobi training. So as long as it was nothing the village would have to pay for, no one really cared.

"So what did you mean?" Koharu asked warily.

"Um, well... You know how me and Kurama are friends now?" Naruto said a little nervously, glancing at the councilors out of the corners of his eyes.

"Yeah, I know," Tsunade said with a roll of her eyes. Seriously, this kid would call a tree his friend if it stood still and listened to him talk. ...Which was probably why he liked gardening so much, come to think of it.

"So I let him out of the seal!"

There was a single, perfect moment when every adult in the room—men and women who had known Naruto in one manner or another since he was a tiny child—believed he was joking. It didn't last long.  
"How, how could you do something so monumentally stupid? So uncompromisingly dangerous, and reckless, and...and treasonous, you stupid child?"

The blond scowled. "I knew what I was doing. And it's not like I just let him out. There was kind of a situation, okay?"

"Kind of a situation," Tsunade muttered to herself in horror. Releasing the seal—Naruto could have died from that alone and she'd heard nothing, the brat.

"Yep," Naruto agreed, finding himself a seat at the edge of the Hokage's desk. "But don't worry, I handled it."

"Handled it by releasing an evil, four-hundred foot tall, fox demon!" Koharu raged.

"Not exactly," an amused voice purred from the floor near the window.

This time when the occupants of the room whipped around, it was a red furred, chakra infused, nightmare-inducing demon who greeted them.

He was also two and a half feet tall.

With a canine laugh, the fox trotted to sit at Naruto's feet—all nine of his tails waving happily behind him.  
"Oh!" Naruto exclaimed into the horrified stillness of the room, "This is the first time I've gotten to introduce you because he was always trapped in my stomach." He reached out and clapped the fox on his shoulder, "This is Kurama."

"Do not introduce us to that filthy beast." Homura snarled. "At least you retained some small margin of sense and did not release it entirely, but even this is a reprehensible dereliction of your duty—"

The fox snarled, hackles raised and lips pulled back to expose vicious fangs. "Say that again," he hissed, growing rapidly in size even as his chakra gathered around him, killing intent so thick that—

"—Bad!" Naruto reprimanded sharply, the squirt bottle he had summoned to his hand still held aloft after spraying a burst cold water in the biju's face.

Kurama yelped, then whined, rapidly shrinking even as his chakra dissipated. "Why the hell did you—"  
"Bad!" The blond sprayed again.

"Don't do that," the mighty beast whimpered, hiding his muzzle between his paws.

"Then don't make me, Kurama," Naruto said sternly even as he returned the bottle to the storage seal on his wrist from which it had come. He held his stern expression for another few seconds before crumpling and scratching the still oversized fox between the ears. "Just don't do it again."

"Yeah, whatever, that's the spot..." the fox muttered happily, snuggling down to rest his head against Naruto's knee.

The gathered shinobi could only stare blankly.

Homura shook his head. "You...you treat the kyubi...like a pet?"

"Hey!" Naruto glared at the man. "I do not. This is just how I train people! And Kurama's got to learn when his behavior isn't acceptable."

"Yes. Like you would train a pet," Koharu suggested helpfully.

"No way," the blond dismissed, nose wrinkled in distaste. "I train my genin team the exact same way."  
There was a single moment of frozen horror as that statement sunk in.

"Naruto," Kakashi said as delicately as he could manage, "What, exactly, do you mean by that?"

"That's right!" Naruto said, perking up, "I haven't shown any of you my team since we got back! They're doing so well, you're all going to be so proud of them. And me! I taught them a whole lot."

"Y-yes, I'm sure we will be." Tsunade gave a wooden smile and whispered out of the corner of her mouth to the nearest person (who happened to be Iruka), "Hold my hand."

The man gave her the look a startled rabbit gives a salivating wolf. "Wha—?"

"I said hold it!"

No fool, Iruka held her hand.

Naruto graced them with a giddy grin before turning and leaning toward the open window. "Duckies!" he hollered for the whole village to hear.

There was an awkward silence.

When the seconds continued to tick by with only Naruto's cheerful humming to break the silence, and no genin miraculously appeared, the group began to shift uncomfortably.

After an entirely silent conversation, communicated only in sharp gestures and a quick jab to the ribs, Kakashi stepped out of the huddle. "So," he began, looking off-kilter even under his mask, "um..." He glanced back to the others for help, but Iruka just made a shooing motion at him. "So!" he started again, turning back to Naruto. "...Why do you call them duckies?"

"Oh!" Naruto bounced slightly where he sat, grin widening into a full on beam. "It's because they always follow each other around in a line! And sometimes—don't tell them I told you or they'll get mad—they follow me around like that too. It's so cute!"

"Don't tell them that," an annoyed voice demanded sulkily from the other side of the room.

As one, the assembled shinobi whipped around to face the voice that had somehow managed to take a position at their backs.

"Duckies!" Naruto greeted with a broad grin. He turned his attention back to the older group of shinobi and introduced, "Everybody, these are my duckies. Duckies, this is everybody."

"Don't call us that," the tallest genin, a boy with spiky brown hair and a thin scar that just missed his green eyes, complained.

The girl—the one who had spoken before—buried her face in her hand so that her short lavender bangs fell forward. "If you have to keep calling us that at least don't introduce us that way, Naruto-sensei!"  
"The Hokage knows me as 'Ducky' now," the shortest member of the team muttered to himself in horror. "I now have no future as a shinobi."

The young blond teacher rolled his eyes. "Come on, guys, it's not that bad."

"Says you," came the discontented mutter from one of the children. Naruto ignored it.

"Anyway," the proud jounin-sensei continued, "If they're so unhappy with 'duckies'—which I meant with love, by the way—then these are Kosada," the short boy waved shyly, "Takashi," the taller boy gave a two finger salute, "and Megumi," the girl smiled in the what-can-you-do? way that all those closely acquainted with Naruto picked up eventually.

Iruka studied the children with interest. They hadn't been in any of his classes at the academy so he really didn't know too much about them besides the most general information. Takashi was from a civilian family, Kosada and Megumi from very minor clans. All three had been known to be middle of the road students with high potential, but... "They have impressive stealth." More than impressive really, for genin to sneak up on the caliber of shinobi gathered in the office.

"Yes," Kakashi agreed, once more behind his book. "How did you manage to drill that into them so young?"  
"That one was easy," the blond said, standing and propping a hand on his hip. "So I realized something recently... I used to wear bright orange."

Awkward silence number two ensued, with only the sound of Tsunade facepalming to interrupt.  
"Hehehe," Naruto laughed awkwardly, before clearing his throat. "I mean, I used to wear bright orange...and regularly escape from ANBU as a kid."

"That is impressive," Iruka began, "But I don't see how—"

"I made them all wear orange jumpsuits until I was satisfied with their skills!" Naruto proclaimed proudly.  
There was a collective shudder from the genin. "Do you know how badly orange clashes with lavender hair?" Megumi demanded with haunted eyes. "Do you?"

"It was awful," Takashi agreed. Megumi elbowed him.

Iruka hummed contemplatively. "An unusual approach, but apparently effective. Maybe we can implement it in the general student body—"

"No," Tsunade cut off.

Iruka started, "But the results—"

"No." Tsunade slanted the man a look that had him shutting his mouth and instinctively sliding behind Kakashi for protection.

"I knew you were my favorite Hokage for a reason," Megumi said reverently.

The male councilor shook his head, "That's all very well, but you are missing the point! To have our ninja so degraded—"

"I'm not degrading them," Naruto protested, looking truly upset. "I only do it because it works! Besides, they don't mind." He turned to look at the kids, hefting the quickly-retrieved squirt bottle into the air as a visual aide. "Do you?"

But at the quick motion of the spray bottle, the three took an instinctive step backwards. Kosada whimpered a little.

Naruto blinked, then looked from the bottle in his hand to the three genin. Running his free hand through his hair, he asked, "Would you really rather be punished with something else? Like...a time out would work, right?"

"Squirt bottle!" Takashi blurted immediately before scurrying to his teacher's side.

"Squirt bottle!" Megumi agreed quickly before joining the boy.

"..." Kosada hesitated, eying the hated spray bottle fearfully.

Naruto crossed his arms, considering. "If you'd really rather, Kosada, I could—"

"Squirt bottle!" The boy squeaked before hurrying to hide behind his taller teammates.

"Well, there you have it." Naruto said, satisfied, as he turned back to the group. "They're all happy with it, and it works."

"The point is, you shouldn't be punishing them at all for minor infractions," Tsunade grated out.

"Why?" Naruto asked with real surprise. "Children need boundaries, right? That's what Iruka-sensei always used to say, and he's the best teacher ever!"

Tsunade turned a vitriol glare on the school teacher.

Iruka glanced around at his superiors—all giving him dirty looks—and sighed. "And I'm out of that job," he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" The blond asked innocently.

"Nothing," the the man sighed.

"Okay," Naruto said slowly, before continuing. "Besides, it's not like I always punish them. I reward them when they're good, and a lot of the time I don't even need to because I find ways to motivate them!"

Out of morbid curiosity more than anything else, Kakashi asked, "And how exactly did you do that?"  
Here Naruto paused. "I...uh...found ways..."  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
~Flashback~

"But Naruto-sensei," Kosada whined as he sat at the bottom of a great tree, "You don't have great chakra control, and you're a really strong shinobi."

"Yeah, why do we have to do something this tedious when we won't even need it?" Takashi demanded.  
"I have enough control to tree climb," the teacher pointed out to his slacking students.

The three, each at the base of their own tree, glared up at him sullenly.

"Or..." Naruto scratched the back of his head in thought, "Well, I guess in general I get past having lousy control by having huge reserves. And I have that because I'm a jinchuriki." Here he paused contemplatively. "I've never really known of anyone who wanted to become one before, but...I do know the seal, and I'm sure we could find a few minor demons around here somewhere," he said while absently reaching for his best sealing brush.

There was a beat of silence—and then the kids ran for their trees.

~End Flashback~  
___________________________________________________________________________________________

Kakashi opened his mouth to ask, but Tsunade cut him off. "Don't, Kakashi. I don't think I could take it just now."

The jounin shrugged and let it drop. It was probably for the best.

Kosada frowned, glancing from his sensei to the adults in the room. "Why are you insulting Naruto-sensei like that?" he demanded. "He's a great teacher. He looks out for us, he trained us really well, and we're way stronger than I thought we would be this soon after graduating!"

Naruto blinked, then turned to grin widely at the boy. "My students are so awesome," he gushed, reaching out and pat the boy on the head. "Thanks for defending me, ducky." And with a little slight of hand, he pulled his hand away and pulled a chocolate out from behind the genin's ear.

"Yes!" Kosada cheered, grabbing the treat, popping it in his mouth and settling back to bask in his teammates' jealous glares.

"Where did I go wrong?" Iruka said faintly as he watched the scene with morbid fascination.

"...Maybe it was the whole 'treating him to ramen when he did well' thing?" Kakashi guessed.

"All right, that is it!" Tsunade announced suddenly, determination glinting in her eyes. "Let's just not tell anyone about this. If none of this craziness goes further than this room then we won't have any problems."  
She spun on the blond teenager, pointing a finger under his chin. "Naruto," she jabbed him in the sternum, "Stop petting your genin."

Naruto retracted his hand reluctantly with a wounded expression. The three genin glared. They liked when sensei pet them and gave them treats.

"And for goodness sakes," the Hokage snapped, "put the kyubi back in the..." Here she trailed off as she finally realized that the large, talking, demon-fox was no where in sight. "Naruto," she said slowly, "Where did the kyubi go?"

Naruto's face screwed up in confusion. "He went to go stretch his legs while we were waiting for the duckies. You didn't notice?"

Awkward silence number three.

Homura made an abortive step forward, "W-where did it g—"

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" the bloodcurdling shriek went up from the village proper, soon joined by the cries of many others.

"Damn it, not again," Naruto muttered before jumping onto the windowsill, trusty squirt bottle already in hand. "Hang on for just a second, Baa-chan. I got this." And he was gone.  
"...I need sake to deal with this."

Everyone blinked. Kakashi looked to the man at his side. "I didn't know you drank, Iruka."

The teacher pinched the bridge of his nose to try and stop the pounding in his head. "I do now."


	2. Incident 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto had spent a long time thinking up just the right genin test. But don't worry; he figured it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter focuses more on the duckies than the last one. I hope everyone likes the way they're turning out! And tell me if you can tell where I got their last names. ;)
> 
> Note: The flashback isn't over until it says ~End Flashback~.

Naruto sighed as he finally collapsed into his favorite stool in front of Ichiraku's. He had had a long day. First he had to make the long trek with the duckies into the village, then he had that meeting in Tsunade-baa-chan's office, and then Naruto had been forced to chase Kurama down and make him spit out the civilian man he had been (gently) gnawing on. Naruto was almost sure the fox was telling the truth and the man deserved it—Kurama was usually good like that. Still, Kurama was a lot stronger than the man and once the guy had wet himself it was really just overkill, so the fox had still earned himself a squirt to the face.

Kurama was currently grumbling from the seat next to him, body shrunken down to barely the size of a puppy and curled into a discontented ball of fluff. He stared up at Naruto out of one irritated eye. "Must you always eat ramen? I want Inarizushi!"

"But Ichiraku's is the best food on earth!" the blond protested, without turning away from his eager study of Teuchi's back as his first serving was prepared.

"At least get udon," the fox growled, all nine tails flicking with ire.

Naruto made a disgusted face. Truthfully, udon wasn't too bad. But it was so close to ramen and yet not that it was more of a tease than a meal.

Teuchi, the kind and wise man that he was, looked back over his shoulder at the red ball of fur, "How about I put in extra pork, just for you?"

The Kyubi considered that, then turned back to Naruto. "I understand why you wish for this one to live."

"That means thanks," Naruto translated absently, hands white-knuckled on the tabletop in anticipation. After a year with no quality ramen he couldn't focus on anything else! …Even if he had already spent over an hour here earlier in the day when he was supposed to be going to that meeting with Tsunade, Kakashi, and the elders.

Eh. Totally worth it.

For his part, Teuchi just shrugged and got back to cooking. Most chefs would be upset at having a murderous bijuu sitting at their stand, but Teuchi was different. He knew that anyone that was exposed to Naruto long enough was doomed to his way of thinking. And the fox had been the boy's constant companion for eighteen years—the Kyubi hadn't had any choice but to be reformed.

It was also a comfort to know that Naruto was willing to fight to the death to protect his favorite source of ramen. And he bet the fox knew it too.

"Order up," the older man called cheerfully before placing two steaming bowls of miso ramen (extra pork for both, on the house) in front of his favorite costumer and the blond's… friend.

Naruto grinned, grabbing his chopsticks and clapping his hands together with a brief, "Itadakimasu!" before digging in.

But he paused with his chopsticks hovering over his bowl. He had been too frenzied on his first stop at the ramen stand to think of it, but sitting here now… It reminded him of when he had first met his duckies…  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________  
~ Flashback ~  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Today was a very important day in the lives of his young students. As such, Iruka tried to keep his speech as original and individually directed to his students' personalities as he could each year. "Beginning today, you are all real ninja! But you're at the bottom of the barrel, merely rookie genin. I will now assign your three-man teams, and after lunch your jounin-sensei will come to collect you—"

That was as far as he got before there was a poof of smoke and he was tackled from the side. It was only years-long experience that allowed the man to keep his feet under the unexpected assault.

"Naruto!" he protested, smacking the teenager on the back of the head. "What do you think you're doing?"

The blond popped back up with a wide grin splitting his face. "I'm here to get my genin team." He laughed delightedly, "Can you believe I'm going to be a sensei?"

"Not really, no," Iruka muttered to himself grumpily before sighing and giving a small smile. "I'm sure you'll do a fine job, but I haven't even started giving out the team assignments yet."

"Wait a minute!" a young voice yelled from the sea of students. Naruto and Iruka turned to face the prospective genin and then flinched in surprise at the manic grins on many of the young faces.

"Are you telling me that Uzumaki Naruto is taking a genin team this rotation?" the same child, a tall boy with brown hair and bright green eyes, demanded.

"Uh," Naruto scratched the back of his head, suddenly nervous. "Yeah, I am."

The room exploded with noise.

"Awesome!"

"Hell yeah!"

"I'm totally gonna be on his team!"

"Quiet!" Iruka snapped, vein pulsing in his temple. The noise continued. Iruka blinked in surprise. That was the first time in memory that Iruka's sensei of death no jutsu failed to have its intended effect.

"Hehe," Naruto laughed by his side. It made him kind of uncomfortable when the older citizens of Konoha made a big deal over him, but he was more than happy to be the kids' hero.

Looking back and forth between the blond's rakish grin and the children's loud chatter, Iruka sighed. There wouldn't be a moment of peace until Naruto left, and he was far too hardheaded to be convinced to leave without his team in tow.

"Listen up!" Iruka called to little effect. He cleared his throat, lifted his clipboard, and read aloud, "Team 7."

Dead silence.

The teacher rolled his eyes heavenward before continuing on, "Consists of Kamiya Takeshi, Sagara Megumi, and Himura Kosada. Come to the front and join your new sensei."

The silence held for a half second more before erupting into shouts, cries of outrage, and three delighted squeals. The named graduates darted from their seats to line up in front of Naruto. Kosada, the slowest and most nervous of the bunch, got there a moment late and wasn't able to stop on a dime, knocking into Takeshi who almost sent Megumi sprawling.

"Hi!" Naruto greeted with a manic grin as the children picked themselves back up and brushed themselves off. Without giving them the chance to respond, the blond yelled, "meet me on the roof!" gave a thumbs up, and disappeared in another poof of smoke.

Iruka sighed. "Don't mind him. He's been going a little nuts with the poofing since he learned the shunshin last week." He waved them towards the door. "Get going, kids. And good luck."  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

By the time the kids had made it up to the roof, Naruto had already been sitting there for some minutes. Unfortunately, it was enough time for nervousness to kick in. Truthfully, Naruto had known he wasn't supposed to enter Iruka's class yet, but he had thought he could rush right passed his nerves. And it had worked at first, but they were starting to catch back up with him.

What if he couldn't do this? Those kids had been so excited, what if he let them down? Fighting was completely different than having little people depend on him like this.

"We're here!" the tall boy declared as the three pre-genin burst through the door and onto the roof.

Ah, what the hell? He'd do his best and he could always ask Sakura, Kakashi, Iruka, or Baa-chan for advice as he went. It's not like he'd be totally isolated without any support while he trained the kids.

Grin stealing over his face as he watched the kids squirm excitedly in front of him, Naruto decided he wouldn't be remise to copy his own sensei. "Pop a squat, kids! And then introduce yourselves."

Kosada plopped down where he was, face eager if slightly intimidated. "My name's Kosada."

"I'm Megumi," the girl called brightly, crouching down on her haunches.

"Takeshi." The tallest kid sat himself down.

"Ah…" Naruto scratched the back of his head. Maybe Sakura had been right to ask for clarification. "I wanted a little more than that. Like… Here, let me go first." He leaned towards them excitedly. "My name is Uzumaki Naruto! My hobbies are pulling pranks, gardening, and eating ramen! I like ramen and training. I dislike the three minutes it takes for instant ramen to cook and…." Naruto cocked his head in thought. "War? Yeah, I don't' like that much. I'm going to be the rokudaime Hokage—unless baa-chan finds out who really hid her sake—and my dream is to protect Konoha and all my precious people. "

A shiver of what could only be described as hero worship went up each child's spine. Their sensei was so cool!

"Let me go first!" Megumi said, nearly bouncing in excitement. "My name is Sagara Megumi. My hobby is studying poisons. I like books and practicing throwing senbon, and I dislike when my brother goes away on long missions. My dream is to become a great kunoichi and make it into ANBU!"

"Good for you, purple-girl," Naruto said before pointing at the short kid.

Kosada stared at Naruto's finger like one of the Nara deer did a speeding fireball. Takeshi sighed and whapped him on the back of the head. The boy jumped and started, "A-ah, right. My name is Himura Kosada. My hobbies are training and cooking. And—"

"You cook?" Naruto interrupted in surprise.

The boy blushed, ears turning pink, and ducked his head. "Y-yeah. My mom and sisters are all jounin and they're really busy, so I—"

"Hey, it's not a bad thing!" The blond assured. "It's awesome! Now when we go on assignments we won't have to eat what I make!" He stuck out his tongue, "All I can cook is instant ramen, and Tsunade-baa-chan made an official proclamation that I couldn't eat it on missions after I—nevermind."

"O-oh," the boy stuttered, confused but trying not to show it. "I like curry and going on walks, and I don't like when my sisters tease me. My dream is to make my family proud of me."

Naruto nodded at the boy in acknowledgement before looking over at the only kid left.

The green eyed boy took that as his cue. "I'm Kamiya Takeshi. I like people who are straight forward, and I dislike mind games. Um," he blinked, "does picking fights with tough looking opponents count as a hobby?"

"You're a shinobi now," Naruto said seriously. "Of course it does."

"Awesome," Takeshi grinned. "My dream is to prove that civilian-born ninja can make it as heavy combat shinobi."

"Wow," Naruto said to himself. "I have a really cool team. I hope you guys pass!"

The three blinked and looked at each other. "Uh, Naruto-sensei?" Megumi said with a raised hand, "We already passed."

"No, you passed the academy test," he corrected before breaking out in an evil grin, "Now you have to pass my test or you get sent straight back to the academy. And no one has ever passed before." He neglected to mention this was because he had never actually given a genin test before. He figured it would spoil the mood. By the horrified looks on their faces, he had made the right call. "I'm supposed to give it to you guys tomorrow, but the day's still young, right?"

For some reason, the three pre-teens got a very bad feeling.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

"We're having the test here?" Megumi asked in disbelief.

"Why?" Naruto asked, blinking. "What's wrong with it?"

The kids' faces screwed up in confusion. Should they really have to explain this?

"It's a ramen stand, Sensei." Takeshi explained slowly.

"It is not!" the jounin snapped with sudden anger. "It's the best ramen stand on the face of the earth! Now apologize to Teuchi-san."

The hero worship was starting to ware a little thin.

"Uh…" Megumi looked around to see if it was a joke, but when she couldn't find any hidden cameras she muttered, "Sorry, sir."

Kosada bowed at her side. "Sorry!"

Takeshi shrugged and muttered his own apology.

For his part, the ramen stand owner just laughed and went back to cooking. If those poor kids passed they were in for a hell of a time.

"Now sit down so we can get started," Naruto said as he claimed his own seat on one of the middle stools.

The pre-genin hesitated for only a few seconds before settling down on either side of their sensei.

"How is this going to work, Naruto-sensei?" Kosada asked, looking around the stand curiously. He couldn't see any hidden traps or anything, and the owner moved like a civilian not a shinobi undercover—or even one who had retired. So how could this make a test…?

"Right," The blond said, clapping his hands together once. "Because I'm a really nice guy, there're going to be two ways to pass this test."

Megumi scowled and crossed her arms in front of her chest. If there were two ways to pass and still no one had ever done it, that wasn't looking good.

"The first way," Naruto continued with one finger held up, "Is to beat me in a ramen eating contest."

There was a collective moment of disbelief from the genin.

"What?" Takeshi demanded. "How the hell does that have anything to do with being a shinobi?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Shinobi face all kinds of weird challenges that they have to overcome to accomplish their mission objectives. And, because it's totally a way for me to get as much ramen as I can eat for free." He grinned, "Did you know jounin sensei are reimbursed for any materials used directly in genin training? Best rule ever."

The hero worship? Yeah, that was gone.

"So the three of us have to eat more ramen then you do?"

"No," Naruto corrected, "each one of you individually have to eat more than I do. And I can finish twenty bowls without even trying, so you better work hard!"

Megumi turned slightly green at the very thought of trying to force that much food down. "What's the second way?" She asked uneasily.

"Glad you asked!" The teacher said with a grin before reaching into his pocket and fishing out a delicate pair of silver bells.

The kids stared for a minute. This was getting weirder and weirder.

"What are we supposed to do with those?" Takeshi asked, leaning forward and narrowing his eyes to peer at them.

"Steal 'em from me!" Naruto said.

"While we're having an eating contest?" the boy asked with confusion.

"Yup! I'm going to hang them right up here," the blond said, pointing to a wire that had been strung along the front of the ramen stand about a foot above head height so that it hung from two pulleys at either end. Naruto reached up and hung the bells on the wire so that one dangled off in either direction, like a pair of cherries. Then he yanked on the cord and it moved easily along the pulleys' track. "See, it works like this. The bells will be over my head when we start our contest. If you can get a bell, you pass. If you eat more ramen than me, you win. If your butt leaves the seat, you lose! If you damage the stand in any way, you die. "

"But then how am I supposed to kick your ass?" Takeshi demanded in outrage.

Naruto grinned cheekily. "You wouldn't be able to do that anyway."

"The real question," Kosada murmured worriedly, "is why are there only two bells?"

Naruto blinked and then glanced back at the pair of dangling bells. "Well, would you look at that? There are only two." He tapped his chin in thought, "Guess only two of you can pass that way. I hope one of you really likes ramen!"

"But you already said it was basically impossible for us to beat you that way," Megumi protested.

"It's okay," Naruto assured. "You all don't have to pass."

"Really?" Kosada asked hopefully. "You mean if only one of us passes than the rest of us—"

"Will be sent straight back to the academy, yes." The jounin said with a sage nod.

"What?" Megumi and Takeshi cried in outrage.

But Kosada stayed quiet, head bent and discouraged tears beading at the corners of his eyes, before whispering just loud enough to be heard, "So there's really no way to pass? You were tricking us into thinking we could be your team?"

Naruto crossed his arms over his chest and scowled at them. "You're really gonna give up that easy? You guys obviously think you're pretty weak if you're not even going to try."

"Yeah right," Megumi yelled, shaking her fist. "I'll beat your stupid test and then you'll feel like an idiot!"

"Yeah!" Takeshi agreed. "We can do it. You're gonna have to eat your words."

There was silence for a long second before Kosada sniffled and wiped his eyes. "Yeah," he said quietly, "I'm not gonna give up." He lifted his face to show anger and determination burning in his eyes. "We're gonna beat your test. You'll see!"

Naruto tried to remain the cool and uncaring sensei he was supposed to be for this test. Really he did.

It kinda failed when he broke out in the biggest grin yet.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nearly an hour later, and Megumi was ready to hurl. She had eaten six whole bowls of ramen—she thought her stomach was going to blow—and she was still fourteen bowls behind Naruto-sensei. Even Takeshi, who was by far in the lead of the genin, was nine bowls behind.

Fighting down nausea, she slurped up another noodle. Would throwing up disqualify her? He hadn't actually said it would…

And getting the bells seemed to be an even more lost cause than winning the eating contest. Anytime one of them so much as reached in the direction of the cord the bells were hanging off of, something (kunai, shuriken, a napkin dispenser) would come flying at them. And considering they weren't allowed to leave their seats, dodging became an issue. So basically they had already lost. Unless Naruto-sensei felt like being nice and choked on a pork bone, they were about to lose their chance at making it into the shinobi ranks.

Megumi bit the inside of her lip trying to bite back a sniffle. She couldn't even use her weapons because Naruto-sensei was sure to dodge and then she would damage the stand, which was one of the main disqualifying rules—and she just really didn't want to test the jounin on the 'death' rule. He seemed a little unstable when it came to ramen. Taijutsu wouldn't work either, not without them being allowed to get up from the stools. Not unless kicking him in the shins was going to do anything.

By her side, Takeshi seemed to have realized the same thing. With a groan, his head smacked into bar by his half empty bowl. "What the hell are we supposed to do?" he asked morosely.

"We have to try something," the girl snarled with stubborn determination. "Nii-san was so proud that I passed. I'm not letting him down now!"

"Yeah," the brown haired boy muttered, "but what are we going to do?"

There was a thunk as Kosada let his ramen bowl drop from suddenly lacks fingers. Eyes wide, he turned to face his teammates passed Naruto's back. "I have an idea," he said slowly, barely believing his own words.

His teammates perked up and looked over at him, but they didn't really have much hope. This test was impossible.

"I have an idea!" The short boy said again, louder. "I have an idea!"

Naruto finally looked up over the rim of his twenty-second bowl of ramen to glance at the kid. "What's that, squirt?"

Kosada whipped around to face his sensei, leaning forward eagerly. "Naruto-sensei, what's your favorite type of ramen?"

Naruto blinked, and absently slurped a noodle. "Well…" he said slowly, figuring he might as well play along and more than willing to discuss his ramen preferences. "My favorite has always been miso with extra pork."

"Really?" Kosada asked with big, excited eyes. "That's awesome!" He turned to his teammates. "Isn't that awesome, guys?"

"Uh…" Megumi and Takeshi glanced at each other. The poor boy had cracked under the stress. "…Sure."

"Mister!" Kosada said, the same excitement in his voice as he called to Teuchi. "Can you make me a bowl of Naruto-sensei's favorite? I wanna try it!"

"Sure," the man said with a shrug and got back to cooking. He had been on standby through the test so far, replacing bowls of ramen as fast as the shinobi could eat them. It was a lot more work than he had on a normal day, but then again he was making more money than he usually saw in a week; he'd just add this to the tab.

Naruto frowned. Why hadn't he thought of asking for his favorite? Probably because he always got an extra large, and that meant he would eat less bowls. Planning the test, he had been sure he could out eat these kids but he never knew: one of them could've been half Akimichi or something. He had thought it was better not to risk it. But if the short kid was going for it anyway…

"Hey, Naruto-sensei," Kosada said, breaking Naruto from his thoughts and calling his attention back to his potential students. The boy was smiling manically, eyes gleaming with a crazed light. "Isn't ramen great?"

"Uh, yeah…" the blond jounin said uneasily. Maybe he had pushed the boy too far?

"But I mean, isn't it like really, really great?"

Naruto blinked and considered. Yeah. Yeah, ramen was really superbly excellent, wasn't it? The blond nodded decisively. Forget crazy, this kid got it. That's the kind of student he wouldn't mind having!

But wait a minute…. Naruto frowned. Kosada hadn't seemed too enthusiastic about ramen before his little idea. Was he trying to brownnose his way into passing? Naruto didn't really like the sound of that.

"Yep," the shortest member of the team continued with the same wild grin on his face, "Ramen is the food of champions! Wasting it would be a crime."

"I totally agree," Naruto said carefully, "But what are you—"

"Order up," Teuchi cut in as he placed the large, steaming bowl of miso-pork goodness in front of the boy.

If possible, the kid's grin stretched wider. He reached out and snagged the bowl in both hands. "It looks good, doesn't it?" The boy leaned in a sniffed loudly. "Smells great too."

Naruto stared at the bowl of ramen in Kosada's hands. It…did look really good. And, even though he was surrounded by ramen, he could swear the smell wafting from the bowl was extra strong.

Megumi, always quick on the uptake, held the subtle genjutsu as best she could. But what were they going to do now? The jutsu might hold while they were all perfectly still, but she was nowhere near good enough to keep the blond distracted if they moved and attracted attention to themselves.

As if to reinforce this point, the blond jounin took that moment to reach back and whack at Takeshi's reaching fingers. The boy yelped and retracted his hand from the bells.

Speaking with his eyes, Kosada looked at his teammates and then to the bells. When they stared blankly, he rolled his eyes and repeated the motion again.

"What?" Megumi demanded in a whisper. "Why exactly would that work now when it didn't this whole time?"

"Because this," Kosada said loudly before tossing the ramen, bowl and all, into the street.

Naruto, jounin that he was, realized what the boy was about to do a split second before he moved. Thankfully he was able to lunge after it and snag it out of the air without spilling even one precious drop.

Once assured the ramen was safe and sound in his arms, he turned with murder in his eyes to face the pre-genin. "What the hell was that about?" he asked angrily.

It was only then he noticed the kids each had a smirk on their face. "…What?"

As one, Megumi and Takeshi held up a bell.

He blinked. Oh. Right. He was supposed to be guarding the bells not the ramen.

He frowned and propped the hand not cradling the bowl of ramen to his chest on his hip. "So Megumi and Takeshi pass then." He frowned, "Too bad Kosada, I'm sure we'll miss you."

The grins grew wider.

Naruto cocked his head to the side.

"Naruto-sensei," Kosada said, "You're not in your seat."

"Huh," the teacher said after a long moment of silence as he mentally reviewed the rules. "Would you look at that?"

The short boy flinched as the jounin disappeared from in front of him and reappeared an inch from his side a split second later, face set in a fierce scowl.

"S-sorry!" the boy squeaked. "I didn't really think about throwing it, I just meant to distract you! But then I thought it might work so I—"

Takeshi grabbed his shortest teammate by the shoulders and dragged him back towards his chest protectively.

"Hey, Naruto-sensei," Megumi said with forced cheer as she moved to put herself even with her teammates, "So w-we passed, right? So we can go home and we'll j-just see you tomorrow?"

Naruto stared the three preteens down until they were quivering. Then, the corner of his lip twitched. Then again. Then the smile broke over his face and he reached out with a laugh and mussed all of their hair in turn. "Yup! You pass with flying colors!"

"Really?" the kids all but squealed, eyes bright and eager.

"Yup," Naruto said with a closed eye grin before his frown slammed back into place and his eyes opened to reveal burning embers glaring out. "But we're going to have a little talk about threatening ramen."  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________  
~ End Flashback ~  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Huh," Naruto said, blinking at his scoop full of noodles. "I wonder if they're still too traumatized to come back?"


End file.
